FatChic

You  would think i would be skinny since my mom passed away I havent really been eating.  I jsut havent felt like it.  But it got me to thinking today with me not eating why am I still so freaking fat.  I eat eat sweets much (rarely).  I dont drink sodas mostly all i drink anymore is water and sometimes tea.  Soem have said I am obese because i dont eat enough LOL but i find that hard to believe.

Anyway I am attempting to try to come out of this depression altho all week all i did was lay in bed the closer it is getting to mothers day the harder it is.  I can not go anywhere without thinking of her and I break down it does not matter where I am at and i know that this is hard on my husband and kids and they dont know how to react to my grief and my saddness.  I try to hide it I really do I do most of my crying when they arent around and/or asleep. 

I want and wish so badly for her to still be here that often I wake up and think it was just a horirble dream but thent he reality hits.  She was always encouraging me and trying to help me in this weightloss journey she was even doing it along with me for awhile until her hip and knee went out.  I can not begin to express how much I miss her and how important she was to me.  I have often thought back to the week she was in the hospital and prayed I could recall that time and voice my opinion more.  I just want to find some peace in all this and i want for the ache to go away.

Not sure I can get out of this to move on and try to throw myself full force into this weightloss.  I go to the dr on the 19th and I worry about the visit I worry about how much weight I have gained back.  I worry about how my dr is going to act with my moods.  I hate the thought of going.

I want to find some happiness again and I want to be the person my kids needs me to be. 

Today I did not exercise but i did get up and I have been doing some heavy cleaning and laundry.  I can still not bring myself to start going through my mothers things but i know that it needs to be done. 

Well onto trying to help kids with homework.  God Bless

Climbing freaking mountains.  I dont think i will be able to begin to get over this grief until we cna first get the circumstances of her death handled and that does not appear to be happening anytime soon.  I get up everyday with the intentions od I am gonna exercise and then I dont.  And that is just what i did today I got up about 7 but i laid back down balmed it on the awful migraine i had.  I got back up about 11 and i cleaned until after 4. 

I had a activia for breakfest

toast for lunch

potatoes and grilled chicken for dinner and green beans with garlic and herb

so the saying goes… but do you ever feel like you are just creeping along and life is passing you by.  I feel like this so often lately.  I guess that is majorly because my mom isnt here anymore and I have lost myself somehow.  I use to always be the daughter, the caretaker and there for whatever my mom needed.  And now well im just here I have done that for so long that I am just lost now. 

 I got up this morning and the kids had field day I walked up there but ended up coming back home because the strap on my shoe broke.  For brekfest i just had the activia and a half glass of juice.  Lunch I skipped jsut did not feel like eating and for dinner I made some stew meat and potatoes…. not really diet stuff but that is what I had.  No snacks and no in between eating. 

I am trying not to look back and think about all the weight i probaly gained back but it is hard.

That is what i decided i am going to do I am not going to push myself full force back into the weightloss journey.  I know with this grief of my mom I am only fooling myself into thinking I can.  So I will take baby steps in that direction.

 I am sure i have gained weight back I just pray I did not gain it all back. 

So baby steps is what I will do.  I got up at 6 am this morning and I made myself stay up I did not allow myself to crawl back into bed.  Into the comfort I have found to close out life and wallow in grief.  I stayed up got my kids ready and off to school and Ieven walked my boys almost all the way to school and then i finished my walk up by walking in the opposite direction to my stepdads.  So i did walk

I also ate an activia for breakfest (and i dont like eating breakfest) so two days in a row i had breakfest.  For lunch I made a tomatoe and cucmber salad with lite Italian dressing.  Dinner i havent had yet but i am making Chicken with Mrs Dash herbs cooked in the oven and then pan seared with Olive Oil and veggies (carrots, zucchanni, broccoli).  I made several little baggies in the freezer with chicken and veggies so i have single meals to eat.

So this is my baby step forward and I pray I can continue but my heart is not in it like it was before that is why i say babysteps.  Any Christians reading this please say a prayer for myself and this grief I have sometimes no most of the time it overtakes me.  And pray for my step dad and brother, my step dad has a tough road ahead of him and I pray that he will be ok through it.  God Bless everyone.

Food Log

Exercise Log

Well i know i had every intention of getting up and going for a walk this morning but sadly i came up with every excuse in the world not to do it.  My hip pain was really bad this morning and I gave into not walking. 

 Today I woke up from a really weird dream adn the first person i thought to tell was my mom and i even picked up the phone to do it and realized what am I doing she isnt here anymore.  I use to talk to her about everything there was not a day i did not talk to her or see her.  I wish my mind and heart would grasp the fact that she is gone but so often I feel it was all a horrible dream and I will wake up.  Days like today it is just hard enough to drag myself out of the bed.

I dont have a accurate weight because somehow my appointment got canceled so I have to wait til May 19th to go back to the doctor.  I hate this because i really wanted to talk to them about the state I have been in lately. 

I had a bowl of SPecial K vanilla almond for breakfest and no lunch yet but i plan on having some chicken noodle soup.

Might Blog more later not making any promises.  Have a Blessed Day everyone

Not sure anyone missed me but life has been a whirlwind.  I stopped posting because of many things that have happened over the last 6 months.  First my mom got really sick and I had to spend more time with her and helping her with my brother.  Then i went thru a depression and I imagine i put on weight i stopped exercising and pretty much went back to the bed.  The meds they had put me on made me really sick and tired alot.  Well back in January my mother got really sick again barely able to get out of the bed it was phenomia and she was treated got better but she never seemed to get back to her old self.  Well in Feb she got really sick and would not even move out of the bed so we begged her to go to the dr and she did and they found she had phenomia in both lungs and immediately trasported her to the Martin Army Hospital.  Once there the people claimed they did not see the pnemonia and that she may have bronchatis and they would treat her.  Well you may or may not know but one is a bacterial infection and the other is a viral and both are treated differntly well they proved to be stupid and they made a fatal mistake on my mom.  That is a long horrid storey and one I have not worked through…. but sadly my mother was not able to pull out of their mistake and stupidity and she passed away on March the 3 right before her 54th birthday.  I was so depressed over this that I have barely dragged myself out of a deep deep depression and I am just so sad to be without her.  I feel in many ways like I lost my best friend my rock she was the one I always turned to.  She supported me and encourged me in this journey and now I dont have her anymore and I miss her so much it hurts … I dont know where i stand with my weightloss I should kow today I go to the Doctor and I pray it isnt horrible news because I will not want to come back and post my shame I am sure.  I am going to try to make myself anyway. 

I hope everyone is doing well I noticed a couple of people have not posted in awhile Ihope that they are doing ok.  So here I go again going to try to start all over and work myself out of this grief I am in over my mom’s death.  I do miss her so very much.

I can not believe I only have 9 more pounds until my mini goal.  Then it will be time to make another mini goal…. that excites me.  Knowing I am so close to accomplishing a goal I made for myself.

 Taking a min to stop by here before I do my nightly walk.  My bones still ache alot but I am not as winded as I use to be.  The knees really give me problems but i push on.  I have to keep telling myself that maybe as i lose more and more weight I will hurt less and less… waiting for that to kick in.  lol

 Thanks for the support and well wishes they help to push me along when everything else in my life is so hectic

Everyone knows I hate the scales it usually takes a dr apt to make me get on this …. well i got on today and I had lost 11 more pounds that makes it a total of 51 pounds.  I have been watching what I eat I have still not had any sodas and I have not been eating fried foods or sweets. 

I been doing the walking and videos when I can. 

Most dont know but for years I have been so depressed about my weight gain and I kept trying to tell the drs I dont eat much I dont understand why I am so fat and keep gaining weight and all they would say is go on a low fat diet plan or stop bending your elbow.  Well that just made me more depressed.  but FInally I got a dr to listen to me and she ran some tests and found out I have underactive throids and the left side of my heart is damaged and I have somethign called supuventicular tricarda I started meds for both of these on yesterday.  The dr said that when my thyroids start back working right I may lose even more weight … Wow that is somethign to think about and strive even harder for. 

I dont get on here nearly enough anymore due to some family things and trying to help everyone.  But i had to come and share my joy.

UGH so depressed really …. the weather has not permitted me to do any pool exercises or much walking been relying on my video but body needs so much more.  I feel Blah and hate thinking I am gaining weight and getting into this frame of mind has affected my eating again …. Geez not sure what I can do and why i do this to myself … I have been WAY under my daily calories and i know in the back of my mind this is bad very very bad but something abotu putting the food to my mouth makes me think fat.  And i took pics but god I am still so freaking fat one min I see the weightloss people tell me they see it then the next I am left feeling like a cow.

Please please I hope for better weather.  Oh I posted before pics a pic i took about 2 months ago at this point i was already trying to lose weight and then I posted a pic i took yesterday and one today.  The one today there is a storey there … I dont know i got so depressed today about not getting my pool workout and the day was just not going my way … well I was in the bathroom trying to get ready and my hair would nto do what I wanted it to.  I have very curly hair and because of the weahter it was VERY FRIZZY and I hate when it does that I look like a poodle that got it paws caught in a like socket!  so I grew very angry and scissors were a little too close and I wacked it …. OVER 12 INCHES!!!! I was crying about it about 30 mins later and seriously upset so my daughter trying to assure me it looked ok strightened it and I still say it looked like crap but oh well nothing I can do now.  I hate  when life seems to spiral out of control you do somethign stupid thinking you have control and then you have a duh what was i thinking moment :( 

Sorry guys I know I gave you some postive feed but today it is not postive I am just really down and hope for a brighter day and I really mean that Please bring in the sun shine!!

Im back from visiting inlaws while we were visiting it was hard to stay on track.  Eating was pretty easy and not drinking sodas but the exercising was a issue no pool workouts were harder I walked but that was about all that I could do.

Kind of left me feeling bad and then today and yesterday at home it has been raining so again I have not been able to get in the pool and that is buggin me.  Guess I will do a video tonight or something to try to cover up for lost time.

glad to be home just hope that the weather will clear up so i can get back on track or feel like I am back on track.  

I dont have many before pics I am trying to find one from just a month ago but i think it is on the other computer and i took some on trip.  I notice a difference in the size on the two pics however I still look at the pic with disgust and all i see is the fat face … so trying not to get bummed that is why i hate taking pics and weighing in.